Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.