“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Name another movie that mislead you?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.