Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

Check out the legs on this baby

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man