Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist