Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.