Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

why isn’t thunder called soundning

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.