Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I want to meet the individual who made this
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥