Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

WHO DID THIS?

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

TODAY

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.