Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.