Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Ferrari squats
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.