Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
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New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.