Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

Gemma Correll

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.