MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury