Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

This raises questions

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

what kind of cook setting is this??

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*