Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

I saw nothing

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.