Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

Guantanamo Bae

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.