MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.