MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Once again not all heroes wear capes
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”