Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

im gay on my mothers side

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?