Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no