Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”