Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.