Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.