Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
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Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
new year update: losing everything but weight
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.