Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet