Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person: