Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
haha same
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know