Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

A bold strategy

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

me and my fake scenarios

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

🙁

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.