Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
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buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Genius.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”