Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Same post same
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.