Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

Whisper out to librarians!

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.