Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.