Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
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You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
This makes total sense…
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.