Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Kermit goes Blue.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.