Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

don’t message me unless you have this energy

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Dammit Chief not again

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

I love art.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here