Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

Anyone want a chair?

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”