Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Friday night party time 🥳

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa, she said ‘Let’s take this upstairs.’
I replied, ‘OK, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.’

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes I see that now

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

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