Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Search History:

Cat armor
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Cat army how to stop
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Sending in my taxes