mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
You Might Also Like
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
next question.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
😲 WTF? 😆
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?