Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Life hack

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.