Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
philosophical skeletons be like
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I like my jims slim and my chances fat