Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”