Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done