Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.