Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

I wish all tests were things you peed on

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*