mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
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Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.