Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying