Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good