Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.