Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
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Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
LMFAOOOO
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one