Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
You Might Also Like
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
screw you
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon