Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

Cat is stressing him out.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.