Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
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Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.