Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!