Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You Might Also Like
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
The morning after pill, but for tweets
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.