Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.