MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”