Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

The options really are this bad

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef