MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.