Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Just this preview of the story is enough

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

They got a point!

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

Hamburger Hinderer.

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.