Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP