Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started