Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.