Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

The Punning Dead.

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

yeah no that’s fair

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

Dishwasher: *starts*

Peanut butter on knife: LMAO

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now