What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”