Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me