Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

This is hilarious….

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

For the orator and chef in all of us

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no