Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My flabber has been gasted.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”