Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
eggs benadryl
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
