Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler