Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”