Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Dance like you’re not the father

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.