Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.