Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.